Courtesy of Jo who will be leading the evening on 15th January:LIVING IN A CULTURE OF SHAME
‘We live in a culture that tells us we must reject our bodies, our authentic stories and ultimately our true selves in order to fit in and be truly accepted…’ writes Brene Brown in her excellent book entitled “I thought it was just me.”
Shame is a profoundly debilitating emotion. It drives many of our fears of not being good enough: our shape, our accent, our financial situation, our wrinkles, our size, our illness, how we spend our day, our desire for perfectionism and even addiction problems. But it is an emotion we have ALL experienced: that horrid sickly feeling in the pits of our stomach, the desire to run and hide or simply ‘hit out’ at all those around us. Yet, strangely, shame is a topic that we are often exceedingly reluctant to talk about.
Therefore, in true SofaChurch fashion, we are going to talk about it. On 15 January 2009 we will be investigating the myriad of shaming influences that dominate our culture and the ways it presents itself in the most mundane and visible aspects of our lives.
So if you have ever felt that in some way you are simply ‘not good enough’ this may be the evening for you. An opportunity to discover where these feelings come from and how we can best rise above them to become our best, most authentic selves and the very people we are intended to be.
21 comments:
Really look forward to this Jo. Thankyou.
Wish I could be there! I love the "this is hard to talk about so we (of course) are going to." If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email. I'm doing some new work on spirituality, grace, and gratitude. I wish I lived closer so I could join you for the discussion.
Andy's staying at home for this one - I'm putting it on the calendar...
p.s Do we have a comment on our humble blog from a famous author?? Way-hey!
Wow, Brene, feel so thrilled that you've left a comment. Your book has completely transformed my life and I'm soooooooo soooooo grateful to you.... think it should be compulsary reading for ALL TBH.. hee hee. Yes, I for one would dearly love it if you could join us but I'll let you know how it goes.
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Wish I could join you for this one,but alas not.
Shame for our sin , of course, is something that the Holy Spirit imparts to us in order to compel us to repent and trust in Jesus Christ alone for salvation.
Oh how lovely to hear from you again, Gunkle. And yes its a real pity that you can't join us for this session.
Hmm, its interesting that you say that shame for our sin "compels us to repent and trust in Christ alone for salvation". Personally, I think you're getting confused with Shame's brother 'guilt'. Guilt is the one used by the Holy Spirit to challenge us to take action and ultimately bring us back to God. Shame, in comparison, drives us 'underground' and away from God and other people aswell.
Without giving too much away here, (??!!!) look at Genesis.... Adam and Even 'hid' from God out of sheer shame and subsequently were driven out of the garden. I wonder what God's reaction would have been if they had responded differently... sought His help, aid, forgiveness immediately maybe, rather than hiding? Any thoughts?
Oops meant Adam and EVE!!!!
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I agree with Jo.
A big thank to all those participating last night, and also to those babysitting who enabled 'different' folk to come along too!
Think we ALL left feeling challenged to "not conform to the patterns of the world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds".
So often we try to build our lives on expectations presented by others, contemporary culture and our own'ideals'. However, these are often unrealistic and unattainable leaving us feeling ashamed, like failures and simply not good enough. Desperate to 'cover up' our vulnerabilities and inadequacies, we blame others, act out and ultimately disconnect ourselves from anyone/situation that could potentially illuminate our 'flaws'. Yet these strategies ultimately leave us feeling unhappy and exhausted too as we struggle to maintain the 'illusion'.
Somehow we need to 'transform' our thinking: to build our lives on what God wants for us and to grasp that being vulerable and 'real' is actually a strength and demonstration of courage. For as we seek to connect and share our struggles and experiences with others, in compassion and empathy,we quickly find that we are not alone and can therefore support eachother. Not weighted down by shame, fear and blame, we can rise above our fears and failings to see them from a different perspective. Truly liberating... so we can be free to be our true selves and the very men and women that God intended us to be.
Eek... a bit of a 'summary' (!!!!) of what we covered last night. Plenty to think about and ponder. I for one am going to try to concentrate a bit more on God's promises and what He desires for my life, rather than the unrealistic expectations imposed by others or our society.... here starts the revolution!!!
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What I found most interesting last night was answering the worksheet questions regarding how I want people to see me. I wrote the answers very quickly, as I realised we'd be moving on, but they were actually very revealing.
I wrote that I wanted people to see me as feminine, holy, funny and nice, and not blokey, un-Christian, boring and mean.
I've been pondering my answers today while out with the pram. It hit me for the first time that the things I care about regarding how I'm perceived, are all very much linked.
I feel like a jokey, 'one of the boys', ladette type of girl; that I don't fit the Biblical 'good woman' model in that I'm not meek and restrained, but cheeky and feisty. I think I may have felt that I need to change in order to be acceptable to God (and other Christians).
For example, last night I made a joke that I wouldn't 'push Myleene out of bed for farting', implying that I found her an attractive girl. As soon as I'd said it, I felt ashamed, not because I was concerned that people might question my sexuality (I'm an open book on that one!) but that they'd think I wasn't a very good Christian.
I think I've always felt that to be a 'good' Christian woman, you need to be a certain sort of person, and I have never felt feminine enough to fit that bill.
The thing is, if God made me cheeky and a bit laddish, is it okay to express that or should I be working towards that long-skirt-wearing-sit-quietly-in-the-corner ideal that for me sums up the 'good' Christian woman?
Thanks so much for all the food for thought, Jo!
Hmmm, I'm not sure the women the Bible portrays fit a particular 'type' and few are particularly 'feminine'... they are quite an assorted bunch IMO. :0) Think God just wants us to be ourselves: the very people He created us to be in the first place, as we are so precious and dearly loved by Him.
But I know exactly what you mean... there is so much pressure to 'conform' to a particular ideal of Christian womanhood. But think its a bit of fallicy and not from God at all, as He so longs to set us free from all the 'pressure' and potential for disappointment. He loves us just the way we are... not as reflections of other peoples perceptions of how they think we should be. God has chosen each of us for a unique and special purpose... no good turning up to a building job wearing a neat print Laura Ashley dress when He'd previously kitted us out with a pair of working boots, overalls and helmet suitable for the task in hand!!!!!
Just be 'you' Suse... however you are, we still love you but God loves you even more!
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I know you're right, Jo. It's just a bit rubbish that it's taken me, ooh, about 36 years to finally get the message that I'm accepted (and acceptable) just as I am.
I need to get back into the Bible; have a look at the women in particular. I think I was thinking that the meek, mild bit was from the Bible, but it probably is more from church folk. We Christians as a group, seem to have very set ideas about what's acceptable (and what's not!)
The poster the third group did was very interesting on that - no parties, no fun, no sex... being dull seems to be the most approved route for believers. And all those "can't do this, shouldn't do that, certainly shouldn't talk about THAT" rules, just do your head in after a while. You end up burying whole chunks of your personality for fear of offending people or have them reject you.
That's one reason why our girls group is so powerful - we're getting together and saying, "Let's cut the crap - I'm a mess, my life isn't perfect." And the wonderful thing is, that no one's recoiling in horror, as (surprise) we're all in the same boat.
I'm convinced that there's a lot of power in bringing hidden things into the light. The enemy must hate it, because it destroys the power the secrets have over us.
Hee hee... beat you: 40 years!!!!
Yup I'm very slowly realising that all God wants for us is to be free in the knowledge of His unfaltering love for us. And, like you, also finding that being vulnerable, real and honest about things is actually strangely empowering too... cos there are soooo many folk out there with similar hangups and insecurities, who are equally terrified of other folk finding out!!! We've definitely started a wee bit of a revolution in little old Crewe... time we shook off all these shackles that bind us to the boring and mundane and simply be ourselves: the creatively unique people God created us to be... scary but very, very exciting too!
Ginormous hugs
xx
Ooo just a thought, Suse, but could we do a bit of a 'series' on Biblical women in the Bible at Sofagirls?.. nothing heavy or anything... just creative and alternative.. the sort of thing that SofaChurch does so well. Might even be fun... hee hee!!!!
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I would love to do that - it would be so interesting and useful. I don't think our girls group would be the best time though, as I think it's valuable to have the entire time free just to offload and (occasionally!) pray for each other.
But there would be the possibility of doing the study on another day? Possibly in another home or in the SofaChurch room itself? Just a thought... ;o)
Oooh I didn't realise this whole discussion was trundling along back here, how exciting!
Thank you for your thoughts Suse, they are really interesting and thought provoking. I'm learning quite rapidly this last few months about being myself, the woman God made me, rather than conforming to what I think other people think I should be. And as I do that, I feel more comfortable in my own skin than ever before.
As for a study on the women in the Bible, that sounds absolutely brilliant, but I'm afraid there is no way I could commit to anything else - coming along every other Tuesday is about as much as I can cope with!
But there are certainly some women with real attitude in the Bible - who was the one who hammered a tent peg into someone's head to kill him? ;-)
The woman with the tent peg was Jael
Andrea xxx
Lock up your tent pegs, SofaChurch:boys...
"The enemy must hate it". Yes he does. Perceptive. :)
P.S to Brene (if you're still around); I don't care what your hairdresser says, I think your hair is just like Meg Ryan's - just stunning.
Just for those who may be interested, Brene (the author of "I thought it was just me: Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power")is running a 'read-along' on her blog... an opportunity to read along with others and ofcourse the writer herself... opportunities to respond using art, photos, writing etc too. All this in anticipation of her next book exploring autheniticity and courage.... very exciting!!
You can find her blog here:
http://ordinarycourage.squarespace.com/my-blog/
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